My dad is in the hospital in Israel. Everything I am doing in the last few days has been with an undercurrent of knowing that. He was taken for a check up and they kept him overnight to change the dosage of his medication. It's unclear how long they will keep him but the truth is that his condition is so challenging that being in the hospital is much easier on his wife and caretaker. At this point he needs help with everything from walking to getting dressed, to going to the bathroom, to eating. He still has consciousness but it is unclear how he perceives himself or the world around him. He seems to be aware that he has two daughters. When I call to talk with him he just asks me over and over if I can come be with him. I tell him I'd like to come but I need to finish my album first and that will take a few months.
I have been deeply contemplating the masculine force these past couple weeks. I have been charging ahead with powerful drive to expose myself and my music and there is a kind of masculine energy that is required in order to do that. And also feeling that so much of this is related to wanting to sing for my dad. That the father I have had in this lifetime draws out of me that creative passion and yearning for expression. My heart has always ached for closeness to him. And he has always been far away and elusive. Now he is even further. And I can not reach him - even if I do go visit. His spirit is slowly leaving his body.
So what is left for me to do? I have been meditating and praying to the Holy Father, the manifestation of the masculine in God. Feeling the presence of His compassion and care soothes my spirit. I have been drawn to women, mother earth and feminine divine energy very strongly over the course of my life. I am comfortable and secure when I am with women. So even approaching the Divine Father is scary for me. I have been disappointed and hurt by men throughout my life. I do not trust them. I'm not sure I even trust the masculine in God. But in this time of great uncertainty, losing my father, and without a consistent male figure in my life, I just need to turn to something beyond this physical world.
It helps. And with His presence, I forge ahead with my music. I keep my heart clear and consistent with finding my truest expression. What is really alive for me that I can share with the world. Blues, groove, baring my soul, living my truth, singing my sorrow, and connecting with good people.
My life is my art and my music. My body is my vehicle. The deeper the sensing, the deeper the meaning.